Rise & Shine -- If You Feel Like It

I had a sneak preview of retirement recently and I have to say I can't wait for the real thing. Early in my six week lay off from work, I found it surprisingly easy to fall into a lack of routine. I'm neither a sluggard nor a slacker. I've been working since I was 16 -- nearly 50 years. I'm no math whiz but I estimate that my alarm clock has gone off approximately 10,000 mornings.

Knowing that you can wake up and get up when you feel like it is one of my definitions of heaven. (Another is unlimited snacking on Rocky Road with no consequences on the poundage front, but we'll save that for another time. ) You can roll over, doze a bit, breathe deeply, ponder your day, examine your life, plan breakfast, outline that novel you hope to write. You set your schedule and it doesn't include reporting to an office by 8:30.

Now I'm back to the routine of work (and regular pay checks). The alarm clock? Well, make the count 10,001 mornings.

Microscopic Type; Macroscopic Fees

Let me apologize in advance for any typos in this piece. It's my eyes. They're blurred, bloodshot and bulging from trying to read the Customer Agreement pamphlet sent by my credit card company.

As you know, the rules change next week and the companies want to make sure we understand exactly how they're going to gouge us with new fees.

The opening paragraph -- the shortest in the entire piece -- manages to squeeze out a sliver of warmth with a "thank you for choosing our card". After those skimpy three lines -- jeez, we wouldn't want you to gush -- it's down to business. You, the lowly card holder can do this. We, the masters of your financial domain can and will do that.

I skimmed it. I scanned it. But who is actually going to read an entire 17-panel brochure printed in microscopic font? Not many of us and the credit card company knows that. They've covered their behinds in those 17 panels and the important information we, the consumer, need to know could well be in one of the panels we never actually read.

Cash, anyone?

The Bling You Don't See

Bling -- we've been adorning ourselves with it for centuries. It's fun to sparkle and shine. The right amount looks glamorous. Too much makes you glitter like a disco ball.

Earrings, rings, chains, bracelets, broaches -- highly visible bling, bling, bling. But some women are wearing unseen bling --- in their genital area.

It seems that a TV star, famous for whispering to ghosts, mentioned on a talk show that she sports vaginal bling. She started doing so after a bad break up at the suggestion of a friend. She described it as "vagazzling" and recommends it as a painless, harmless way to lift your spirits.

Vagazzling -- there's a new word for you Urban Dictionary.com folks -- involves applying a small gem or two or three to your vajayjay. Note: a glue gun is not recommended.

The hidden bling could be a pleasant surprise for a lover, but everything in moderation. You don't want to look like a runway at LAX.

Public Debt -- No Laughing Matter

I recently found this item from Fox News.com. Brent Baier reported it last July but the message still resonates:

"The Treasury Department has decided that it no longer needs a humor specialist for its Bureau of Public Debt. The department had been advertising the position for about a week, but announced this morning the job was no longer required. The original post called for an individual to conduct seminars teaching participants how to use humor to improve communication and relationships, alleviate stress, and prevent burnout.

Applicants were advised they would be required to create cartoons on the spot about jobs in the Bureau of Public Debt. The Senate Democratic Policy Committee Chairman Byron Dorgan, the Democratic Senator from North Dakota, squashed the effort saying: "Of all the agencies, the Bureau of Public Debt should know that there is very little that is funny about today's economic conditions."

No comment from me. I'm trying to imagine those impromptu cartoons.