Mail Order Sex Pills -- To Buy or Not to Buy

Every so often something I actually want to read mistakenly slips into the spam function of my e-mail, so every so often I check the spam box just to make sure I'm not missing anything important.

This past week was one of those "every so often" points in time so I checked. Nothing of importance --- unless I planned on a Viagra shopping spree. I counted seventeen e-mails selling it or other erectile dysfunction drugs. One of them had "legendary sex pills" on the subject line. Another accepted Visa. Still others tried to lure me into opening the mail with lines like "top drugs for men", "sex medicine" and simply "male pills".

Oh, yeah -- three ads for breast enhancement were also mixed in.

Are they legit? I get the distinct mental picture that some of these pills are made by a guy in his pajamas with his twenty-seven cats curled up around the mail-ordered lab equipment in his garage. I'm all for the entrepreneurial spirit but I'd like to know that the drug maker at least passed Chem 101.

If I were a guy concerned about my sexual performance, I'd want to be damn sure these "male pills" were truly, well, manly. Granted, they might be a bargain, but they also might be the same formula your girlfriend takes for PMS.

The Venting Store -- Coming Soon to a Mall Near You

NPR recently aired a piece about a venting store in China. The shop, for women only, requires that you don a helmet and gloves and fork over a fee. Once protected and paid in full, you're free to throw, smash, break or otherwise demolish anything in the store.

It wasn't clear just what the ladies were destroying but I assume it's inexpensive Dollar Store merchandise probably made in China. Can you spell irony?

Actually, I think it's a great idea. Just think of all the times you wanted to throw, slam or hit something because you were pushed over the edge by an idiot in traffic, a colleague in the adjacent cubicle or the pizza guy who smothered your order in pepperoni and you're a vegetarian. Yes, we know you didn't throw, slam or hit something but wouldn't it have felt great if you could have?

This could be a lucrative business, albeit with a tad of overhead what with having to replace your stock every day. But, to paraphrase "Field of Dreams", if you throw it they will come.

Of course a good gym workout, deep breathing or a yoga class calms you down. But just for a change ---- imagine dropping by the mall to break things for an hour. Could be a whole new kind of retail therapy. After a few visits to the venting store, you might decide you don't need that Prozac refill after all.

The Venting Store -- coming soon to a mall near you.

Mammograms We Have Had -- And Hated

Let me begin by saying that I fully agree that women should have annual mammograms. Yearly screenings have saved countless lives and should be part of any health regimen.

That said....what the hell is up with that machine? Lay your girls on the little plastic tray. Then let a stranger squeeze them like a mozzarella pannini.

"Don't move" says the technician. Don't move? Thanks for telling me. I was about to break into a lusty tango.

"Don't breathe", says the technician. Don't breathe? Thanks for telling me. My lungs need a break from all that, you know, respiring.

Surgeries are done through an incision the size of a paper cut. The hearing impaired can have implants so they too can be bothered by the person next to them talking loudly on their cell. You'd think that someone could invent an effective mammogram machine that wouldn't be so painful.

Perhaps if men had to submit their testicles to the same procedure, patents for a kinder, gentler machine would be pending.

Am I Blue?

I was chatting with a neighbor recently in front of her apartment when another local passed. I've seen the woman many times and we usually smile or nod a greeting. That's the extent of our connection. Civility.

"She's bipolar, you know, " said my neighbor. No, I don't know, nor do I want to know the mental diagnoses of minor acquaintances. And while we're on the subject, how do you know? If you're her shrink, then shame on you for blabbing. If you're just a nosy neighbor then shame on you for gossiping about a very personal matter.

A friend was going through a rough patch and feeling down because of it. The group solution was to deem her condition "depression" and prescribe Prozac or whatever the drug du jour is.

Jeez, can't a person just be plain old sad anymore? You have to admit that sometimes life really sucks and feeling blue is the proper emotion. Trashy novels and mega-doses of Rocky Road will eventually bring a person around. Want to see someone far worse than you, just for a lift? Try watching daytime TV and be thankful you've not yet reached the low point of moaning to a national audience.

Remember freshman year when we took Psych 101? We felt utterly qualified to analyse family, friends and our pet cocker spaniel. Fast forward to 2010. Watching Dr. Phil is like Psych 101 without the term paper and exams. It hardly makes us qualified to slap a mentally dysfunctional label on anyone.