You ARE Going Out Looking Like That?

The Academy Awards are tomorrow night and, like last year, I've not seen most of the nominated movies. Because I'll have no knowledge of acting, writing or directing quality, I'll have to focus on a topic wide open to opinions based on sheer gut reaction -- the fashions!

Criticizing celebrity style -- or lack thereof -- brings out the inner Joan Rivers in all of us. I'm not talking about the fashion A-listers. We expect them to wow us with their couture.

I'm talking about those who make us wonder if they have a...whaddya call it?....oh yeah...a mirror in their Hollywood mansion. How many times did your mother stop you in your date night tracks by asking "You're not going out looking like that, are you?" A warning delivered by mothers around the planet. There's probably a mother in Oceania scrutinizing her daughter's outfit even as we speak -- well, actually read, but you get my point.

Many celebs consult stylists. They have people who dress them, do their hair and makeup. Does a stylist need actual training or just have to know their way around Rodeo Drive? While most of us would drool for someone to pamper us like that, I think we'd draw the proverbial line at looking like a Clown College alum.

I've no idea who'll be wearing something jaw droppingly awful on the red carpet. But I'm sure there'll be someone who will do for the Oscars what Lady Gaga did for the Grammy's.

Reading Causes Wrinkles?

A giant overstuffed chair for curling up in and all the novels of the world at my fingertips. That's my idea of heaven. I'm an avid reader. Give me a hearty -- or a Hardy -- novel and a comfy place to park my tush and I am indeed blissful.

I have favorite authors but I'm always open to try someone new. I tend to balance my reading list with both classics and current releases. Unfortunately, I've too often been sucked into the hype of a "New York Times Bestseller" or "Named the Year's Best Novel by ..." or "Short-listed for the Booker Prize" blurb on the cover. Did we read the same book? After a disappointing contemporary novel, I retreat to Mr. Dickens or Ms. Austen. They never disappoint.

Like most of us, I want a good story, dimensional characters you can cheer for and cry with. My book selection process is a simple one: read the summary on the back cover, then thumb through, scanning a few random pages.

But I've recently been forced to add something new to the mix. Type size! How close will I have to hold the book to actually, well, read it? Will I need a magnifying glass to make it through the prologue? Think about the bottom lines of an eye chart. Now think about an entire chapter in that size. It's difficult to make out without squinting and crinkling my forehead.

Books will soon come with a warning label: Caution -- may cause unwanted wrinkles.

Valentine's Day -- Love It Or Hate It?

Let's just cut to the chase and choose the most obvious topic for this week's post -- Valentine's Day. Either you love it or you hate it.

In this corner are those who sincerely believe that Valentine's Day is a vast conspiracy dreamed up by the greeting card, candy and flower industries. It's a day that utterly wreaks of guilt. Don't believe me? Test it out.

Forget the five pound box of chocolates. No roses -- long-stemmed or otherwise -- for your sweetie. Buy nothing pink. No heart shaped anything. Finally, mention what a stupid, contrived day you think it is. Then just march your sorry heart shaped butt to the proverbial doghouse cuz that's where you'll be serving time.

In the other corner are those who immerse themselves in Valentine's Day. What greeting card, candy or flower industries conspiracy? These guys are first in line to mail the cards, buy the candy and send the flowers. No sweetheart? No problem. Aficionados of all that is February 14th view the day through a wide lens. No sweetheart? No problem. Friends and acquaintances make their list.

The best thing about February 14th is February 15th. That's when all that heart shaped chocolate goes on sale.

Noise While We Nosh?

Gather a friend or two for good food and lively conversation and it doesn't really matter what or where we eat. The chat's the thing.

But lately it seems that the decibel level in restaurants has been seriously cranked up. Ah, you say. Noise -- the chief complaint of a budding geezer. There may be some truth to that, but I think others will agree that we shouldn't need a bull horn to converse across the dining table.

I enjoy a lively atmosphere. If it's quiet I want, I'll take a sandwich to the library. But a cafe shouldn't sound like game seven of the World Series either.

You don't need Webster to figure out that background music is, well, in the background. Background music in a restaurant is not the same as background music on the assembly line at General Motors. My recent server delivered the litany of specials that could have been franks and beans for all I heard.

I'm also big on ambiance. When I eat Hawaiian I expect to hear a freakin' ukulele -- yes, in the background. I'd like a side of mariachi with my burrito, por favor. A little oom-pah-pah with my sauerkraut.

Shouting over the din to table mates has become the norm. And it's really put a damper on my eavesdropping. Now I'll never know the back story of the couple at the next table.