Don't know exactly where. Don't know exactly when. But a United Nations agency predicts October 31st is when the 7 billionth person will be born on this mud ball we inhabit. I'd better get more Halloween candy.
Seven billion people. No wonder my elbows have less room. Personally, I don't take up much space and maintain a small environmental footprint. I live in a studio apartment, ride public transportation, recycle, compost and changed all my light bulbs to the spirally kind -- not great for reading but they last longer than some of my relationships.
What will the world will be like when this 7 billionth baby is old enough to ask questions? Here's hoping that we'll be using the past tense when telling stories about hunger and wars.
I don't expect a round of Koombayah, but a little international togetherness could be fun.
What if all 7 billion of us burped simultaneously? Could you really call it a Guinness World Record since we are the world? Something to ponder while I wait in the supermarket line with what seems like 6 billion of my fellow humans.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Oxymoron of the Year? Amish Gangs!
This could be the perfect day to watch out for airborne pigs or shiver because hell has indeed frozen over.
Why, you ask, are you any more likely today to see that rare flying porcine or feel the temps plummet in Hades? Because the Amish have gangs, that's why!
Amish gangs. Add that to your list of oxymorons.
Personally I've never met an Amish person. Oprah visited a family once and I've seen the movie "Witness". These hardly make me an Amish expert, but I'm certain they're a peaceful lot.
According to news reports, groups of young men are attacking elders by cutting their beards and hair. Not exactly Sharks and Jets material, but a serious act of disrespect for the Amish.
So do they really call themselves gangs or has the media dubbed them that, because my stereotype is a guy loaded with bling wearing a muscle shirt to show off his tats.
I can't imagine an Amish teen with a horse and buggy inked on his forearm.
But look --- there goes that pig again!
Why, you ask, are you any more likely today to see that rare flying porcine or feel the temps plummet in Hades? Because the Amish have gangs, that's why!
Amish gangs. Add that to your list of oxymorons.
Personally I've never met an Amish person. Oprah visited a family once and I've seen the movie "Witness". These hardly make me an Amish expert, but I'm certain they're a peaceful lot.
According to news reports, groups of young men are attacking elders by cutting their beards and hair. Not exactly Sharks and Jets material, but a serious act of disrespect for the Amish.
So do they really call themselves gangs or has the media dubbed them that, because my stereotype is a guy loaded with bling wearing a muscle shirt to show off his tats.
I can't imagine an Amish teen with a horse and buggy inked on his forearm.
But look --- there goes that pig again!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hash & Re-hash -- The New TV Season
Lawyers, doctors, detectives.
If we were on Jeopardy, the question might be "What are the only professions TV shows portray?" Well, only might be a stretch but not by much.
These lawyers, doctors and detectives are all fashion mag perfect and qualify for any number of "most beautiful people" lists. There's sexual tension galore and racy story lines that make the bodice ripping novels look like kid lit.
A few years ago I was asked to testify against a guy who decided to include some of my belongings in his thieving spree. That was the first time I'd been in a courtroom and I fully expected something comparable to what I'd seen on TV. Dynamic, well -spoken attorneys dressed in Brooks Brothers suits defending their clients from injustice. Gritty, witty, curmudgeonly judges bantering with counsel. Drama from the opening gavel, right?
On the contrary! The experience still ranks high on my snooze scale. Lots of paper shuffling, waiting for people to show up (my guy never did) and attorney posturing.
Most lawyer, doctor and detective shows use cookie cutter characters and plots tweaked a tad so as not be recognized from last season or from a competing show. Hash and re-hash -- the new motto for this year's TV season.
If we were on Jeopardy, the question might be "What are the only professions TV shows portray?" Well, only might be a stretch but not by much.
These lawyers, doctors and detectives are all fashion mag perfect and qualify for any number of "most beautiful people" lists. There's sexual tension galore and racy story lines that make the bodice ripping novels look like kid lit.
A few years ago I was asked to testify against a guy who decided to include some of my belongings in his thieving spree. That was the first time I'd been in a courtroom and I fully expected something comparable to what I'd seen on TV. Dynamic, well -spoken attorneys dressed in Brooks Brothers suits defending their clients from injustice. Gritty, witty, curmudgeonly judges bantering with counsel. Drama from the opening gavel, right?
On the contrary! The experience still ranks high on my snooze scale. Lots of paper shuffling, waiting for people to show up (my guy never did) and attorney posturing.
Most lawyer, doctor and detective shows use cookie cutter characters and plots tweaked a tad so as not be recognized from last season or from a competing show. Hash and re-hash -- the new motto for this year's TV season.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Let's Hear it for Columbus
Columbus Day is one of those kinda sorta American holidays. Some of us have to work. Some of us don't. There are no greeting cards to celebrate the day, no traditional foods or activities. In 1937, the president made it an official holiday but not everyone agrees. Hawaii celebrates it as Discoverer's Day, South Dakota and Oklahoma changed the name to Native American Day. And in 1992, Berkeley, California dubbed it Indigenous People's Day.
How did it ever get to be a holiday in the first place? My guess is one ultra influential Italian-American lobby that wouldn't stop til they got their October day.
Think about it. Columbus never set foot on American soil. While he might have dipped a tootsie or two in the Atlantic, the water was Bahamian, not Floridian. Yes, he came close but since when does close get you an entire holiday?
In elementary school we drew countless pictures of the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. The significance of October 12th, 1492 was drilled into our malleable little heads. If the nun said it, it was gospel. Free thinking and question asking was frowned upon in my Catholic school.
Imagine -- if we were misled about Chris' voyage, what other false or misinformation is stored in our mental hard drives? More importantly, how can we delete it?
How did it ever get to be a holiday in the first place? My guess is one ultra influential Italian-American lobby that wouldn't stop til they got their October day.
Think about it. Columbus never set foot on American soil. While he might have dipped a tootsie or two in the Atlantic, the water was Bahamian, not Floridian. Yes, he came close but since when does close get you an entire holiday?
In elementary school we drew countless pictures of the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. The significance of October 12th, 1492 was drilled into our malleable little heads. If the nun said it, it was gospel. Free thinking and question asking was frowned upon in my Catholic school.
Imagine -- if we were misled about Chris' voyage, what other false or misinformation is stored in our mental hard drives? More importantly, how can we delete it?
Sunday, October 2, 2011
A Little Dab'll Do Ya
Smoking is forbidden in public places. Kid's meals at fast food restaurants are banned in an effort to combat childhood obesity. We no longer talk on the phone while driving. We wear seat belts, helmets and pads -- just in case.
When we're serious about a cause we tackle it head on until we get what we want.
The next issue? Perfume -- the overuse thereof. Now I'm not against perfume in general but I always thought the idea was to dab it -- and most women know just where the dabs should go for full effect (wink, wink). What I am opposed to is excess -- the overwhelming smell that makes you think the wearer either lost control of the atomizer or accidentally spilled the bottle on their person.
Yours might be a lovely fragrance, but know when too much is too much. Too much reminds you of a maiden aunt who, on family holidays, held you to her ample bosom until you nearly suffocated. Hers was a mixture of perfume, hairspray, bath powder and make-up -- the perfect storm that temporarily shut down all olfactory functions. Too much reminds you of the stereotypical cheap hooker -- never having been around a cheap hooker or even an expensive one, I'll have to trust the stereotype.
Back in the day, perfume counter demonstrators in department stores randomly sprayed customers. Now they have to ask first. That's a start, and we'll just take it one spritz at a time.
When we're serious about a cause we tackle it head on until we get what we want.
The next issue? Perfume -- the overuse thereof. Now I'm not against perfume in general but I always thought the idea was to dab it -- and most women know just where the dabs should go for full effect (wink, wink). What I am opposed to is excess -- the overwhelming smell that makes you think the wearer either lost control of the atomizer or accidentally spilled the bottle on their person.
Yours might be a lovely fragrance, but know when too much is too much. Too much reminds you of a maiden aunt who, on family holidays, held you to her ample bosom until you nearly suffocated. Hers was a mixture of perfume, hairspray, bath powder and make-up -- the perfect storm that temporarily shut down all olfactory functions. Too much reminds you of the stereotypical cheap hooker -- never having been around a cheap hooker or even an expensive one, I'll have to trust the stereotype.
Back in the day, perfume counter demonstrators in department stores randomly sprayed customers. Now they have to ask first. That's a start, and we'll just take it one spritz at a time.
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