Sick to my Stomach

Heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes -- all top priority health problems in our country.  But if you watch TV or movies it appears that Americans have gigantic gastrointestinal issues as well.  Why else is there an abundance of vomiting on the big and small screen?

Who, I ask, finds this in any way funny except perhaps teenage boys?  I suppose there's a few million utterly immature men to be added as well, but let's save that for another time.  Throw in a few flatulence and boob jokes and you've got a hit.

Who, I ask, creates this stuff?  Guys who recently were teenage boys and, again, those utterly immature men? Gee, no one's barfed in this episode yet. Let's write it in.

Look sick, hold your belly, run to the bathroom  -- period.  Most viewers are quite capable of  filling in the blank here, including sound effects, since we've all been there, done that, got the proverbial t-shirt.  No need to overdue it with attempted realism.

It's so typically Hollywood. Watch the BBC and you won't see the Brits with their heads in the loo.

BUT  WAIT!  NOOOOO!  I wrote this on Saturday but was made a liar Sunday evening when the BBC actor says he's not feeling well and....well you can take if from there.  I stand corrected and horribly upset at that last bastion of  class.

Does Hamlet throw up?  Does Othello upchuck?  Even Ophelia, with all her herbs and flitting about, doesn't get nauseated.  Shakespeare wrote something like 36 plays and I don't recall one puking scene among them -- comedies or tragedies.  

Of course TV and most movies aren't fine art, but do they have to be so tasteless?  The whole trend makes me sick to my stomach.

When the Venue Doesn't Matter....

Looking for an unusual venue for a wedding reception, anniversary celebration or birthday party?  Something that won't max out your bank account, but a place your guests will remember? 

Call your local funeral home.

According to an item in the recent "AARP Bulletin", eight percent of funeral homes added party planning to their list of services in 2010.   You have to admit they know how to put on an event and you can only hope they can think outside the box.   (Sorry, but it just slipped out and, well, I kind of like it so....)

Invitations might send shock waves through the guest list.  After all, the Guiding Light Memorial Chapel doesn't exactly send a message of frivolity and an open bar.  On the other hand, you could wow them with the flower arrangements.

Two bits of advice:

•  Don't sign up for the hair and make-up service lest you look like one of their more regular clients. 
•  If this is your wedding, pass on the hearse rental.  Talk about starting off on the wrong foot. 

And add this to the plus column -- turn the music up as loud as you like and par-tay.  The other residents won't complain about the noise.  

The Demise of My Comfort Cupcakes

Ready for a stroll down memory lane?  Okay if I wax nostalgic while we walk? 

Think elementary school lunch time.  We retrieve our lunch boxes (mine had Dale Evans on it) from the cloak room, sit at our desks, mumble a quick Grace and dig in.  In my case there were no surprises: a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread, a few carrots and, for dessert, a Hostess Cupcake or Twinkie. 

Lots of my classmates loved the Twinkie, but I was a Cupcake kid.  They tasted good, but I found little room for creativity while eating a Twinkie.  The Cupcake on the other hand..... 

Here's my routine.  Notice I write in the present tense because they're still a part of my life.  No, not every day at lunch, but every so often when I'm feeling sad -- or just utterly fed up eating tasteless bran muffins.

Back to the Cupcake.  First, flip it so the icing is face down.  Eat the cake around the cream filling. Exercise a little restraint and avoid sticking your tongue into the cake for a taste of the cream.  After all the cake is eaten, then lick said filling.  Finally, savor the chocolate frosting. 

I did this as a kid in the lunchroom.  I still do it, but in the privacy of my kitchen.  I confess my guilty pleasure.  Embarrassed?  No, more hypocritical since I generally profess to be the tofu queen. 

Granted, the Cupcakes don't taste quite the same, but that doesn't make me enjoy them any less. Why spoil it all by reading the ingredient and nutrition information on the package.  I'm aware that that creamy inside I so love has never seen the inside of a dairy, but let's not burst all my bubbles, okay?

The sad news is that the company that produces all these childhood foods has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  You'd think in a country that suffers from an obesity epidemic, business would be booming, but apparently consumers are buying more whole grain breads and healthier desserts.

If they're going to stop making my beloved Cupcakes, I should stock up.  Their shelf life is probably longer than mine.

-----
By the way, I know the product names are trademarked but, techie that I am, I don't know how to make that little sign.

And the Winner Is.....

Here we are, less than two weeks into the new year and my brain is already saturated by presidential campaign news.  I use the word hesitantly since most of what we hear is conjecture, trivia and predictions by the pundits who enjoy the feeding frenzy that an election provides. 

Imagine being a citizen of Iowa, generally a quiet, peaceful state.  Your daily routine consists of a relaxing breakfast at the local diner before going to work. Suddenly you're surrounded by media sticking microphones in your face while you're trying to pour the maple syrup.  Who will you vote for?  What do you think about...?  Do you believe candidate so and so can win?  If it's not the media, it's the candidates themselves vying for attention.  By now your pancakes are cold.

Thankfully these people are now in New Hampshire interrupting someone else's breakfast.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what state is hosting.  The mud slinging, name calling and finger pointing don't change. The holier than thou attitudes and pontificating continue. These guys ought to empty their pockets of stones, since they all live in glass mansions. 

One candidate wins and becomes the media darling.  Next week, he loses and becomes an also-ran, overtaken by the latest flavor of the month.

This entire process is far too drawn out and way too expensive.  I propose we change the system and adopt the "American Idol" model.   Each week there's a topic -- foreign affairs, the economy, the environment.  Each week candidates give a brief presentation on said topic. Each week viewers vote for their favorite.  Contestants are ranked weekly and the final vote determines who will face off in the general election.

Think about it.  Six weeks of interactive TV or six months slogging through primaries. Show of hands?