Mammograms We Have Had -- And Hated

Let me begin by saying that I fully agree that women should have annual mammograms. Yearly screenings have saved countless lives and should be part of any health regimen.

That said....what the hell is up with that machine? Lay your girls on the little plastic tray. Then let a stranger squeeze them like a mozzarella pannini.

"Don't move" says the technician. Don't move? Thanks for telling me. I was about to break into a lusty tango.

"Don't breathe", says the technician. Don't breathe? Thanks for telling me. My lungs need a break from all that, you know, respiring.

Surgeries are done through an incision the size of a paper cut. The hearing impaired can have implants so they too can be bothered by the person next to them talking loudly on their cell. You'd think that someone could invent an effective mammogram machine that wouldn't be so painful.

Perhaps if men had to submit their testicles to the same procedure, patents for a kinder, gentler machine would be pending.